After a vain attempt to go to bed early tonight I find myself in front of my computer. It is my hope that I can calm the storm of thoughts in my head so I can go to sleep. I will warn you now that the feelings I am going to express are really raw and very real. I am afraid there is not much cute, clever or uplifting I have to share right now. I wish I could.
It is my strong desire to impress upon those who may be reading this that this not a pity plea. Oh how the opposite is true. In fact I really would prefer that I not have to talk with anyone about this. But I feel impressed at this time to write and share my experience.
I currently find myself in the deep valley of depression. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what this entails, be grateful. But I caution you to not be too quick to judge or give advice. If you have not been here, you truly cannot understand. For those of you who do understand my heart goes out to you because I would not wish this on anyone.
I have a beautiful life, a WONDERFUL husband, two beautiful children, a life without debt, all of the necessities and then some, and I have the gospel of Jesus Christ. On all accounts I should be happy. Therein lies my major misconception of depression number one. I used to think that depression happened to people with difficult childhoods, or to people with truly major social, financial, or health problems. You know "depressing" things. Not always so. Though these can be contributing factors there is also an inherited chance of being susceptible to depression. I am now learning that I fall into this group.
In general I have been feeling discouraged that I just can't seem to accomplish basic everyday things. When I was young I saw my future life as being sophisticated and classy. I have never been overly bubbly and one who was really outgoing. But I was the one people turned to when they needed comfort or advice. I found a lot of my worth from my intellectual, physical and spiritual strength.
Now I FEEL worthless to just about everybody. I hardly can carry on an intelligent conversation. There are so many things I want to do as a mother and wife that I just can't seem to accomplish. Every ounce of strength that I have is used on the very basics. The idea of being an emotional support to anyone right now is almost frightening to me. On very bad days I do not feel in control of my emotions. It is like I am watching a stranger. There are times when I feel just overwhelmingly sad,or angry, or frustrated for no reason. I HATE this!! This is NOT me. I absolutely lose it when the kids commit the smallest infraction. ( incase you are concerned, "losing it" to me is more of an internal anger and lack of patience.)
I am angry that I have to deal with this. This is not the person I want to be. My counselor (yes, I am trying to get help) encourages me to lower my expectations. But why? If other people can accomplish what I would like to accomplish why can't I? Why can I not expect great things of myself? I am NOT okay with barely doing the basics. There is only one thing that I feel that I do well most of the time and that is show my children how much I love them. I guess that is really the most important thing.
6 comments:
I will not give advice b/c I don't know how your feel...or I may. After reading the last paragraph I had to make a comment. You're fooling yourself if you think everyone else has it together and everyone else can do it all. I "lose it" with my kids daily!! Like serious, walk to another room and cuse up a storm anger...and yes over a 3 year old being a 3 year old. I wonder some times if something is wrong with me!!! With the world as it is, and the economy, and very stressed schedules, ALONG with two little kids that you can't reason with...I think most women out there who have other wise "HAPPY" lives probably feel and frustrated as you. In fact I know they do. I tend to be Very vocal with other women about temper and lack to get it all done and b/c of that I know others feel the same way OR have been there.
With all that said...I think you have made a good decision to see a counselor. I hate it when people think that because we have the gospel we should have enough.
I love you tons and my prayers will be with you!! Will you pray for me too! ;)
I just want you to know how much I love you and am so glad to have you as a part of our family!
I love you Elizabeth! You, me girl time = Monday???
I feel for you, truly. I just recently came out of what you are describing. There is no advice that I could give you that you haven't already been given. Just keep going and trying. The only thing that I know is that you WILL get through it. You are beautiful and strong and a good mom. Your kids know that you love them. I have seen it in their faces and in their behavior.
I also agree with Nicole that you shouldn't think that everyone else has it together. Most of us just don't tell one another the things that are hard to say. Like getting all the simple things done or dealing with everyday setbacks.
Just know that I love you and that I am here for you. You have been a wonderful, positive influence in my life. You were the first person that ever said hello to me when we moved to this ward. I am always here for you if you ever need me.
Elizabeth, I don't know what to say except that as I read your post, my heart just reached out to you. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you. Anyway, this post I wrote earlier tonight seems to apply ... I may not have answers, but for what it's worth, I can offer validation!
http://allisonroadblog.blogspot.com/2009/02/everybody-hurts.html
Here's to life, the process and to sometimes just making it through. Love you!
p.s. when you go private on your blog, can I still be on the list?? :)
You know, I do have a sense of what you're feeling. I've struggled with depression and I'm with you - I wouldn't wish it on anyone! It sucks.
It may not help you, but here's what turned the lights back on for me ... well, at least a big part of what did it. I didn’t realize it at first, but one of my biggest problems was loneliness. I felt like no one could really understand what I was going through. I began searching for some cause, something I could relate to and attack – and in that search, I found many famous people who had suffered from depression. One of them gave a wonderful account of his experience and his feelings paralleled mine so closely, it was comforting to me just to read him explain what was going on inside my mind. In doing so, he opened up my understanding of my depression and gave me a few ideas of how I could overcome it. Like I said, it might not help you, but it might be worth a try; if you’re interested, check out Tolstoy’s “Confession” (online at: http://www.classicallibrary.org/tolstoy/confession/index.htm). It didn't cure my depression, but it gave me a beginning.
Best of luck to you! I wish you the best and I'm sure you'll come out on top. Most importantly, please know you are not alone.
-Brett
Post a Comment