After a vain attempt to go to bed early tonight I find myself in front of my computer. It is my hope that I can calm the storm of thoughts in my head so I can go to sleep. I will warn you now that the feelings I am going to express are really raw and very real. I am afraid there is not much cute, clever or uplifting I have to share right now. I wish I could.
It is my strong desire to impress upon those who may be reading this that this not a pity plea. Oh how the opposite is true. In fact I really would prefer that I not have to talk with anyone about this. But I feel impressed at this time to write and share my experience.
I currently find myself in the deep valley of depression. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what this entails, be grateful. But I caution you to not be too quick to judge or give advice. If you have not been here, you truly cannot understand. For those of you who do understand my heart goes out to you because I would not wish this on anyone.
I have a beautiful life, a WONDERFUL husband, two beautiful children, a life without debt, all of the necessities and then some, and I have the gospel of Jesus Christ. On all accounts I should be happy. Therein lies my major misconception of depression number one. I used to think that depression happened to people with difficult childhoods, or to people with truly major social, financial, or health problems. You know "depressing" things. Not always so. Though these can be contributing factors there is also an inherited chance of being susceptible to depression. I am now learning that I fall into this group.
In general I have been feeling discouraged that I just can't seem to accomplish basic everyday things. When I was young I saw my future life as being sophisticated and classy. I have never been overly bubbly and one who was really outgoing. But I was the one people turned to when they needed comfort or advice. I found a lot of my worth from my intellectual, physical and spiritual strength.
Now I FEEL worthless to just about everybody. I hardly can carry on an intelligent conversation. There are so many things I want to do as a mother and wife that I just can't seem to accomplish. Every ounce of strength that I have is used on the very basics. The idea of being an emotional support to anyone right now is almost frightening to me. On very bad days I do not feel in control of my emotions. It is like I am watching a stranger. There are times when I feel just overwhelmingly sad,or angry, or frustrated for no reason. I HATE this!! This is NOT me. I absolutely lose it when the kids commit the smallest infraction. ( incase you are concerned, "losing it" to me is more of an internal anger and lack of patience.)
I am angry that I have to deal with this. This is not the person I want to be. My counselor (yes, I am trying to get help) encourages me to lower my expectations. But why? If other people can accomplish what I would like to accomplish why can't I? Why can I not expect great things of myself? I am NOT okay with barely doing the basics. There is only one thing that I feel that I do well most of the time and that is show my children how much I love them. I guess that is really the most important thing.
